The News Lampoon.com

By Mickey Sartre, News Lampoon cub reporter

February 18, 2008, Washington--Amid allegations that Congressman Henry Waxman (D-California) has hidden evidence pertinent to the Roger Clemens steroids investigation in his nose, Congress requested that Waxman voluntarily allow a probe of his nasal cavities.

Federal agents wearing protective clothing and oxygen tanks entered Waxman's nostrils late last night after the Congressman was given a mild sedative.  As of 3:00 a.m. ET, they had found a locked filing cabinet, baseballs signed by Sandy Koufax, Don Drysdale and Barry Bonds, and numerous video tapes.

"There's still a lot of stuff in there," said one of the agents.  "And there are still cavities we have to check out."  The agent also said it was "surprisingly roomy in there."

Sources close to the case say that the evidence in question will not be found because the area to be searched is so expansive and that there are "secret compartments" installed that will be "next to impossible" to locate.

"I have nothing to hide," Waxman stated just before the sedative was administered.  "But I'm a little worried about the brave agents going in there because I have a cold.  That makes what would be a relatively safe mission a dangerous one.  They should have waited."

"We can't wait," said Senator Arlen Spector (R-Pennsylvania).  "The congressman's cold makes it imperative that the search be conducted in as timely a manner as feasible.  If Congressman Waxman sneezes or blows his nose, sought-for evidence could be lost or irreparably damaged."

Spector requested that Waxman allow the search after he heard rumors that the NFL "cheating tapes" and large amounts of cash might be hidden in Waxman's nose.  When Clemens' lawyers advised Spector that they believed evidence that might exonerate their client might also be found in Congressman Waxman's nose, the investigation was ordered.

(Posted 4:50 a.m. ET)

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